For?

“For, after all, you do grow up, you do outgrow your ideals, which turn to dust and ashes, which are shattered into fragments; and if you have no other life, you just have to build one up out of these fragments. And all the time your soul is craving and longing for something else. And in vain does the dreamer rummage about in his old dreams, raking them over as though they were a heap of cinders, looking in these cinders for some spark, however tiny, to fan it into a flame so as to warm his chilled blood by it and revive in it all that he held so dear before, all that touched his heart, that made his blood course through his veins, that drew tears from his eyes, and that so splendidly deceived him!” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I know how to live with the pain. I just haven't figured out what to do with the regret.

22.01.14

Sometimes, I wonder if I came too late,

I wonder if I could be there to stop everything from happening.

But I really cannot help if I don't know,

And when I know, I'm sorry when I get too caught up with other stuff and neglect you.

When I'm troubled, you're still the first one I run to.

I want you to know, just know.

You're selfish

Here goes another one of my rants. Lol, it's just sometimes you can't tolerate with certain people anymore after tolerating with them for a long time. I mean it isn't fair, right? You keep pushing people here and there like they're your toy, after using them or you're done with them, you just throw them somewhere like they meant nothing to you in the first place. Try thinking this way, if that toy were you, how would you feel if people just dumped you to a side after using you? In my opinion, you wouldn't feel any bad at all cause this is your thing, you see. You do this all the time that it has become a habit which you think is perfectly normal to be doing. I just never got to understanding what your problem is.

It never occurred to me that you would actually think that I'm a bitch. After all these while tolerating with you and your _________, you still dare to call me a bitch, not that I mind but do you see who's the one wrong in this situation. I can assure you, it's definitely not me. And it's also you who started these crap things I wouldn't even be bothered doing. Since you were the wrong doing person, I didn't regret a single bit leaving. I can't socialize with other people because I must follow what you say. That's just pure stupidity. Which idiot likes people who cage their birds and wouldn't let them free till' they're done with 'it'? You get what I'm saying?

Again, would you like it if people just caged you in and wouldn't let you do anything at all? And of course, you'll say I don't know cause that's just so you. Gosh, why can't you just man up and do something right once and for all? Is it even that hard to control yourself controlling people. They aren't your slaves, they aren't robots, they're all just human, like you. But I guess you never know how they feel till' you go through it yourself. And when someone is freed, you're still keeping watch over them? What's the point, anyway. They left. Suck it up and get on with life. It isn't going to wait for you forever.

170114

We're all hypocrites.

One way or another we've done things we promised we would never do. We've said things we promised we would never let out. We've told advices, even we can't follow. That's where some promises are meant to be broken. Cause one way or another, we're just human. We make mistakes, and do things we shouldn't do. 

A Cold Morning.

i woke up this morning

feeling awfully chilly

with shivers in my bones

and then i realized

how difficult it must've been for you

all alone in that queen-sized bed

cold and unaccompanied 

i felt so sorry

that i couldn't be there

that we were so far away

that if these sheets were states

i'd pull them end over end

to bring you closer to me

and keep you warm

you've such a beautiful being

after one look at you

i knew that i would spend

endless, sleepless nights

trying to write a poem

as beautiful as you

you eyes glowed in the such

and i could drown in them

i'm not too good with describing

anyone's beauty

but for sure

yours is none like the rest

you intrigue me

i want to know your story

you reason behind this sadness

and this mask you put on

each day as you face this cruel world

i want to know all your insecurties

your fears

your past secrets you never told anyone

and all the reasons

that's keeping you

up awake until 4 in the morning

i want to come up close

to get a better look of

that rare but breath-taking smile

and i would have to

stop for a moment to breathe

before you steal it away again

i'm not a romantic

and i can't be sure that this is love

but one thing i am sure of is

i spend all my nights

in bed alone

the long bus rides

the study breaks

to try to think of the best

strings of words i can invent

to describe how much

you might actually mean to me

and honestly

i would rather die

than watch all the things

that make you fall apart

and the other night

we were talking about

how much we hated time zones

and how we never get enough

time to talk about countless things

we never told anyone about

but all i could say was

at least i was glad

i could talk to you a couple of times a day

and the fact that i could

get a chance to hear your voice

and call me by my name

left me missing you

more than ever

and it scares me so much

because i've become

so deeply attached to someone

i have never met

and i am trying to pick up the pieces

of your broken plate

trying to put each and every chip

back together again

and even though the cracks remain

i was hoping that i could be the one

to fill them up

and make you feel

like a person again

and i'm so sorry

if i am not able to do that

and i know you are a

deeply unhappy person

but so am i

and i think our demons

complement each other

and our barely

but beating hearts will

collide into one

and maybe one day

we will be okay again