Do you know?

Do you know what is it like
to breathe
onto a cold window
just to see if there is
something warm
left inside of you?

It's better to have nobody, than to have
someone who is half there, or doesn't
want to be there.

Life has been rather frustrating for me lately, I don't know if it's because of how tired I am or is it mood swings or that it's generally a bad month for me.

Recently, I see things more colorful than before, true colors of people and things that probably mean a lot to me might just all fade away in time. Is this part of growing up? Having to deal with people constantly leaving, changing or maybe, they're never who I thought they were. Not even a single bit.

Everyone's wearing a mask. I honestly think that it's better to be alone sometimes. I have nothing to lose and I'm not afraid of losing anyone anymore. I'm ready to accept any shit that's gonna come in my way in 2015.

Goodnight.

Untitled

累了 ，tired,

伤心 ，sad,

和寂寞 ，and lonely. 

What the heck?

GRRRRRRRR.. If this is how you wanna play, I'll play along with you. Just don't regret it when it's too late.

Sleep it off

Whenever I'm having a bad day, I sleep because that seems to solve everything... temporarily. I choose to sleep to put my mind at ease and to forget about life for a moment. I know that when I wake up the problem will be there again. But it feels so good to be asleep when dreams are better than reality. Although sometimes when it's really bad, my problems take over my dreams. ):

Sick of everything

Sick of being replaced; sick of insecurities; sick of falling in love; sick of getting hurt.

Someone please tell me what's the point of holding on when I've already held on for so long, till the extend where I probably know what's going to happen next? It's just history repeating itself all over again, isn't it? Only someone like me would be so stupid to be waiting for someone this long despite getting hurt from the same person countless times. 

I finally let my guard down, but once again, it was a huge mistake. How can anyone be so insensitive towards someone else's feelings? I really don't understand. 

Actually, what hurts the most is that I thought you were different from the rest. Blaming it on myself for being so useless, so weak. 

I've told myself countless times that I've got to stop letting someone's existence ruin my mood, but can I? I think that I'm strong enough, but sometimes it just hurts. 

I just wished that I didn't have to care about anything or everything at all. Maybe it's because I cared too much which landed me into this shitload of trouble. Maybe I just need to isolate myself from everything for a period of time. Too much shit happening lately, I don't even know where to start from.

Am I suppose to keep waiting and hold on? Or am I suppose to just let go? I don't know. 

On a side note, this totally made my day. :') 

Tough World

"They'll hate you if you're pretty, they'll hate you if you're not. They'll hate you for what you lack, and hate you for what you got."

You grow up, you try. Then, you see that it really isn't humanly possible to please everyone.

Live for only you and do whatever makes you happy.

This is How You Lose Her

This is how you lose her.

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger's voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You lose her when you don't notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you're about to ask a question but you think anything you're about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don't even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget.

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

I feel everything.

I feel many things. From the chill in my bones on the cold nights under the quilt alone, that's slightly too cold, to the pain in my parents' eyes each time they look at me, probably thinking about how they wished I was so much better. And sometimes I feel the fear and anger, aching in me and telling me all the things I shouldn't hear, but I choose to listen, and succumb to the obnoxious thoughts. Well, of course, much rather than the cruel reality.

But most of the time, I feel the exhilaration, the adrenaline rush from the blood that gushes out, be it an accident or purely intentional, the immediate effect are all the same. And I've got these thoughts that cut the deepest of me, leaving me craving to swim in a river of red, but as time passed, I knew the meaning of being rational. For example, being in arm's reach of five spare blades and yet, being able to make, probably the right decision to not self-mutilate my skin.

Yet, there are many things I long to feel. And for the most, they are nothing but an imagination. From the confidence in me when I've got a crowd with all eyes on me to knowing how sweet victory might me. I want to feel the comfort in crying in the arms of someone I love, knowing that I'm not alone and nor are the hidden droplets of life that no one else has thought to look for.

I want to feel love, or maybe feel what it is like to be loved instead. But then again, I want to feel comfortable under my skin. I want to feel comfortable in the loneliness that binds me and learn to appreciate it, knowing that happiness is a bonus, love is winning the lottery and forever love, they call it, winning the jackpot.

Loneliness gives me the opportunity to feel more.

in the end

Have you ever just blanked out and started thinking about everything? Your mind starts wandering. Your eyes start to blur. You just stop whatever you're doing and think. You can't hear anyone else but those voices inside your head. They're taking you to the most dangerous places where those most dangerous thoughts float around. And in the end, you're broken down and sobbing. 

This is exactly where I'm meant to be.

“The head of a company survived 9/11 because


His son started kindergarten.

Another fellow was alive because it was


His turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her


Alarm clock didn’t go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike


Because of an auto accident.

One of them


Missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take

Time to change.

One’s


Car wouldn't start.

One couldn't

Get a taxi.

The one that struck me was the man


Who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,


Took the various means to get to work but before.


He got there, he developed a blister on his foot.


He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.


That is why he is alive today..

Now when I am


Stuck in traffic,


Miss an elevator,


Turn back to answer a ringing telephone…


All the little things that annoy me,
I think to myself,

This is exactly where


I’m meant to be


At this very moment”

Word

I will occasionally get anonymous messages that go one of two ways:

• "you are so much prettier than [name of girl]"
• "[name of girl] is so much prettier than you"

and if you’re the kind of person who takes the time to send those kinds of anonymous messages, take a step back and honestly evaluate the rationale behind your thought process. I am not in competition with other girls; other girls are not in competition with me - & especially if you are a girl yourself, please understand that viewing other girls as being innately in competition with each other, especially over “who’s prettier” of all things, is actively damaging to our society as a whole
spread positivity & affirmation & support your fellow women rather than feeding into a culture that encourages us to tear each other down along with everyone else

Source: whitneyleemilam

To, or not to?

At some point, you'll realize that you have done so much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What's truly yours will eventually be yours, and what's not, no matter how hard you try, it'll never be.

Still why

"Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart." - Nicholas Sparks 

12:52am

She didn't know who was gonna stay, and who was gonna leave.

So, she pushed them all away. 

11.06.14

I used to be really, really hard on myself for every single mistake I made. Always regretting what I did wrong, over thinking it, and finding myself miserable at 3AM in the morning. So many mistakes I've made in my whole life which led me to think that I'm downright awful and horrible as a human being. It made me lose a lot of confidence in myself. I didn't like who I was. To this day, I still think back about some of them, especially those that affected me for a really long time... but I don't look back with disgust and regret anymore. Because does it solve anything? No. Would you rather move on and try to lead a happier life?

Yes. 

280514

you've told me a million times
that I've changed, and you don't even know
who I am anymore.

and you keep telling me over and over
that you want the old me back,
but darling, you can't have her
anymore.
not even I
can have her anymore.
you don't even deserve her;
you stabbed her heart
and left her there to bleed,
left her alone
for the dark thoughts
to overwhelm her.

and I'm afraid for that girl,
the little girl whose body I used to play in,
who grew up to hate herself,
the girl who is currently
rotting in the ground...
you lost her, and I lost her too
and now I'm afraid
for who I've become;
a girl wandering in the world
with no clue about who she is
a few years
into the future.

SORRY

" It's that feeling again. Of never being good enough.

I mean sure, I expected such things of you guys. You're always doing well, even without trying, or even when you say you're giving up, you still manage to pull if off and do exceptionally well. And that's a good thing. I like that about you.

But I don't know why is it so hard for me to be happy for you. I want to be happy for you but there's always something stopping me. Jealousy perhaps? As much as I hate it, it is a part of us all and I hate how it makes me feel.

I'm sorry. I know that kinda makes me a bad friend since I can't even be happy for your successes. Again, it's something I have to work on.

I'm sorry. "

Exam-blues.

Exam's coming! Paper's on Thursday till Saturday.

With lots of readings to be completed and notes to go through, I have no idea how am I going to survive this week but somehow, I know I will.  

Just a short update, felt like blogging cause my brain cannot take in anymore information, so no more studying for the night. 

Good luck to all for examinations! 

Nights. 

North - North

I think the word that best describes this phase of my life right now would be: Repulsive

Repulsive to school (this applies to every part of my life but still), repulsive to friends, repulsive to going out, repulsive to food, repulsive to boys, and basically repulsive to everything I like/ should like. 

Maybe it's the flu.

A beautiful mess.

Life has been a mess.

A mess that I am reluctant to put a stop to it. 

And I wonder why.

What are friends for?

I may or may not be talking about a specific person. But, I'm just gonna summarize my rant in general. 

So basically, what are friends for? Best friend, to be precise. The last time I checked, best friends understands each other, care for each other and think for each other. Although there might be different preference at times but they will always come up with a win-win situation. They might be selfish at times, they fight for their rights but whatever it is, they stay true to each other. They don't bad-mouth or backstab each other behind their backs. If they aren't happy with anything, they'll say it straight to your face.

I guess everyone have had this feeling before where your friend/best friend became someone else's best friend. This is a real tragedy. I mean like, seriously you can't do anything about it. They just leave you for someone else. I think I've been through this since primary school until now. There's no ending to this unhappy ending. This cycle keeps on repeating and repeating, non-stop. And you can't do anything. What's happened has happened. All you gotta do is live on as it is, no matter how broken you are.

Sometimes, you just feel sad inside. The empty feeling you get when no one is there for you, or some one is but they're actually just being a busybody. Even if there was one, it's not gonna be the one you used to know anymore. It's really sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew. They judge you, they bad-mouth you, they backstab you, they spread rumors about you, they secretly hate you yet daring to act like a saint in front of you, all these are just F A K E. 

After being disappointed a million times, after your heartache from everything you saw and heard, you'll get used to it. I swear. Maybe in my life, I'll never find a true friend. Even if I did, things will/did turn bad. 

13th April 2014

3:23am

It's 3:23am now.
Quiet.
Dark.
I love to snuggle between the sheets.
Feeling doubtful about certain things.
Gonna head to sleep soon. 
At least, for a moment I don't need to bother.
I don't need to feel. 

Stop it already

and if you don't
like me, as I do;
I understand.

because who would
really choose
a daisy, in a field
of roses?

11 days to go

One mission down, one more to go. T_T Is this how our ending will be like? 

29March2014

Empty sheets.

Free mind.

Been sleeping too much these days.

Perhaps I'm really tired. Perhaps I'm bored. Or maybe I just wanna run away to another world.

To know. To seek. To live.

Sometimes dreams serve as a reminder to us.

Some may not be nice, some are the opposite of negativity.

They say what we think in the day, will be reflected in our dreams.

I really don't know.

Curiosity makes me wanna know more about it. 

"But in the end, everyone turns out to be the person they swore they'd never become." 

Maybe someday I'll get drunk. Or get wild. Getaway seems like a better choice too. 

Tragic & beautiful isn't it, slowly evolving to the person you once thought you wouldn't be. It depends if it's good or bad.

In the end, it's just you. It's just you finding out who you really are.

March's coming to an end and April's gonna be a really busy month. Gosh, I need more holiday time. 

Leave the past behind and go beyond

Instead of allowing my past mistakes to teach me to help create a better future, I let it make me more afraid of the future..

classic

"My heart's against your chest. Your lips pressed to my neck. I've fallen for your eyes. But they don't know me yet." - Ed Sheeran 

"I just want to run to you
and I hope you know that
every time I don't
I almost do"

01.03.14

"I never thought my problems stemmed from the media’s impossibly perfect portrayal of women. I still don’t think it has, but I’m probably wrong. What I do know is that it is so much about the power. Everyone wants to feel beautiful. If you’re not beautiful, you’re not good enough. You aren’t paid as much at work. People you’re attracted to don’t give you as much attention. You don’t feel as worthy.

I know that “pretty” is a choice. A choice of mindset. I also know that I’ve made the choice to eat. But I still feel inadequate sometimes, I still won’t let anyone love me without the lights off, I still will yearn to hear the words “You are beautiful” but doubt their truthfulness every time."

I am Losing Myself.

With every high comes a low. But not ever low comes from a high. And right now, I am at the lowest point I have ever been in my entire life. I feel like I am losing myself. I'm falling behind in life and in what is expected of me. My facade that I try so hard to hold up is slowly fading. I don't know what to say except that I'm scared.

I don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it.

Each time your lips utter a lie, I wish you knew that I always know it.

You know what they say about standing on two boats?

I have on leg on a wooden raft and the other on the edge of a ferry.

And this part of you is what makes me step away from the steadier board.

Away from you.

So please, don't make me step any further away.

You know those people who talk about you behind your back? That's where they belong, behind your back.

it's okay

I know you've lost someone and it hurts. You may have lost them suddenly, unexpectedly. Or perhaps you began losing pieces of them until one day, there was nothing left. You may have known them all your life or you may have barely known them at all. Either way, it's irrelevant. You cannot control the depth of another wound of another soul inflicts on you.

Which is why I'm not here to tell you tomorrow in another day. That the sun will go on shining. Or that there are plenty of fishes in the sea. What I will tell you is this:

It's okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you're feeling is not only completely valid but necessary as well. Because it makes you so much more human. And although I can't promise it will get better any time soon, but I can tell you that it will... eventually. Time heals everything.

For now, all you can do is take your time. Take all the time you need. :)

Things I Hate

1. Liars
2. School

First month down.

In the blink of an eye, January 2014 is now history. And it's fabulous February now! :)

January has treated me well, went on a vacation to Hong Kong to celebrate Chinese New Year. It was all good despite me skipping school for God knows how many days. An awesome start to a new year and to my 15th. 

Haven't had time to transfer the images yet, so I guess that shall be for the next post. It felt really surreal traveling during school days but all in all I was really glad I skipped school! :P

Will try to update as soon as possible. Till then! xx 

For?

“For, after all, you do grow up, you do outgrow your ideals, which turn to dust and ashes, which are shattered into fragments; and if you have no other life, you just have to build one up out of these fragments. And all the time your soul is craving and longing for something else. And in vain does the dreamer rummage about in his old dreams, raking them over as though they were a heap of cinders, looking in these cinders for some spark, however tiny, to fan it into a flame so as to warm his chilled blood by it and revive in it all that he held so dear before, all that touched his heart, that made his blood course through his veins, that drew tears from his eyes, and that so splendidly deceived him!” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I know how to live with the pain. I just haven't figured out what to do with the regret.

22.01.14

Sometimes, I wonder if I came too late,

I wonder if I could be there to stop everything from happening.

But I really cannot help if I don't know,

And when I know, I'm sorry when I get too caught up with other stuff and neglect you.

When I'm troubled, you're still the first one I run to.

I want you to know, just know.

You're selfish

Here goes another one of my rants. Lol, it's just sometimes you can't tolerate with certain people anymore after tolerating with them for a long time. I mean it isn't fair, right? You keep pushing people here and there like they're your toy, after using them or you're done with them, you just throw them somewhere like they meant nothing to you in the first place. Try thinking this way, if that toy were you, how would you feel if people just dumped you to a side after using you? In my opinion, you wouldn't feel any bad at all cause this is your thing, you see. You do this all the time that it has become a habit which you think is perfectly normal to be doing. I just never got to understanding what your problem is.

It never occurred to me that you would actually think that I'm a bitch. After all these while tolerating with you and your _________, you still dare to call me a bitch, not that I mind but do you see who's the one wrong in this situation. I can assure you, it's definitely not me. And it's also you who started these crap things I wouldn't even be bothered doing. Since you were the wrong doing person, I didn't regret a single bit leaving. I can't socialize with other people because I must follow what you say. That's just pure stupidity. Which idiot likes people who cage their birds and wouldn't let them free till' they're done with 'it'? You get what I'm saying?

Again, would you like it if people just caged you in and wouldn't let you do anything at all? And of course, you'll say I don't know cause that's just so you. Gosh, why can't you just man up and do something right once and for all? Is it even that hard to control yourself controlling people. They aren't your slaves, they aren't robots, they're all just human, like you. But I guess you never know how they feel till' you go through it yourself. And when someone is freed, you're still keeping watch over them? What's the point, anyway. They left. Suck it up and get on with life. It isn't going to wait for you forever.

170114

We're all hypocrites.

One way or another we've done things we promised we would never do. We've said things we promised we would never let out. We've told advices, even we can't follow. That's where some promises are meant to be broken. Cause one way or another, we're just human. We make mistakes, and do things we shouldn't do. 

A Cold Morning.

i woke up this morning

feeling awfully chilly

with shivers in my bones

and then i realized

how difficult it must've been for you

all alone in that queen-sized bed

cold and unaccompanied 

i felt so sorry

that i couldn't be there

that we were so far away

that if these sheets were states

i'd pull them end over end

to bring you closer to me

and keep you warm

you've such a beautiful being

after one look at you

i knew that i would spend

endless, sleepless nights

trying to write a poem

as beautiful as you

you eyes glowed in the such

and i could drown in them

i'm not too good with describing

anyone's beauty

but for sure

yours is none like the rest

you intrigue me

i want to know your story

you reason behind this sadness

and this mask you put on

each day as you face this cruel world

i want to know all your insecurties

your fears

your past secrets you never told anyone

and all the reasons

that's keeping you

up awake until 4 in the morning

i want to come up close

to get a better look of

that rare but breath-taking smile

and i would have to

stop for a moment to breathe

before you steal it away again

i'm not a romantic

and i can't be sure that this is love

but one thing i am sure of is

i spend all my nights

in bed alone

the long bus rides

the study breaks

to try to think of the best

strings of words i can invent

to describe how much

you might actually mean to me

and honestly

i would rather die

than watch all the things

that make you fall apart

and the other night

we were talking about

how much we hated time zones

and how we never get enough

time to talk about countless things

we never told anyone about

but all i could say was

at least i was glad

i could talk to you a couple of times a day

and the fact that i could

get a chance to hear your voice

and call me by my name

left me missing you

more than ever

and it scares me so much

because i've become

so deeply attached to someone

i have never met

and i am trying to pick up the pieces

of your broken plate

trying to put each and every chip

back together again

and even though the cracks remain

i was hoping that i could be the one

to fill them up

and make you feel

like a person again

and i'm so sorry

if i am not able to do that

and i know you are a

deeply unhappy person

but so am i

and i think our demons

complement each other

and our barely

but beating hearts will

collide into one

and maybe one day

we will be okay again