Sometimes it's heaven sent.

I (secretly) hoped for a longer walk home.

You.

Me.

The howling wind.

And what used to be of the past.

"Don't get mad when someone else starts to appreciate the person you took for granted."

But I am.

And I want everything back.

Here I am again, chasing.

11th December 2013

I mean 

Maybe at one point

I was enough

But

We both knew

That this time would come

I just hope

In the short time we had

It was worth it for you. 

Still Alive but Barely Breathing

2013 has been quite a bad year. I couldn't comprehend how much I hated this year. I feel like I'm suffocating and like I've lost all the life in my soul. I couldn't make myself love. I couldn't interest myself with new people. I've no distractions. My life is so carefree, there's nothing to make me feel motivated. 

Never Good Enough

Life is unfair, isn't it? We can never get that face we want, that figure we want, that intelligence we want, that personality we want, anything that we want that can’t be purchased. That’s when we start comparing ourselves, when we start feeling demoralised and when we start realizing that we will never be good enough. We then start harming and torturing ourselves in various ways to make ourselves feel more accepted, to ease the pain, to fit in. And even though we all are “beautiful in our own ways”, what if we don’t like our “own ways”?

It’s so unfair how some people can seem so flawless – perfect figure, nice smile, beautiful features, photogenic, able to pull off any look, look good in everything, etc, it’s so unfair. Maybe their personalities may not be as attractive as their outer appearance but who cares? Nobody. Yes everyone says “It doesn't matter if you’re beautiful on the outside because if your personality sucks, you’re ugly.” but take a second and reflect on yourself, do you even follow that saying? Nobody will get the chance to see your inner beauty if you’re not beautiful on the outside as well, and that’s a fact.

It’s undeniable that no matter how bitchy, unreasonable and “stupid” a girl may be, if she’s pretty, people still worship her. Even if she made an unforgivable mistake, she’ll still get forgiveness even without seeking for it. Okay maybe the word “unforgivable” exaggerates it a little but what I meant is that there will always be people pitying her, defending her, saying kind words about her even though they themselves know that she doesn’t deserve it, but they still do it. Even though there’ll be haters, the amount of supporters still overpowers it. While when a less attractive girl makes a mistake, it’s either nobody cares or there’ll be a big hoo-ha about it and people will start sending endless amounts of unnecessary hate to her, and/or even death threats. Yes, everybody deserves second chances, I agree, but why give unlimited amount of chances to the more attractive one while not even bothering to listen to the other’s story? I’m not saying this just because that’s the way I feel, but isn’t this what’s happening?

Most girls tend to fall for “bad boys” because they’re generally the better looking ones, right? It’ll take so much more time for an average/below average looking guy with a genuine heart to get that girl of his dreams while the bad boy, he doesn’t even need to do anything because the girl is already desperately trying to seek his attention.

Of course, I’m not saying that this applies to everybody because I know that there are people out there who aren’t like that but I’m just saying.

I know, we should count our blessings instead and remind ourselves of the endless list of things we should be thankful and grateful for and I know that there’s no point wishing I was prettier, slimmer, and everything because I’ll still look like me at the end of the day, unless I change my appearance surgically. But we can never be satisfied, and I believe most of us will never be.

why am I always cold?

I am fat, but I'm always cold.

Why am I always cold?

Save Me from This Sinking Feeling

It has been awhile. 

The feeling's back again. The fear. The fear of losing. The fear of possessing. I honestly thought that I would be so much more stronger than this. But it is bigger than me. I admit defeat entirely. Every now and then, I am still trying to get back on the right track but all I see is me going astray. What happened to my goals, what happened to my dreams... I miss and am in need of some alone time. I have been so busy with school, with friends, with pleasing everyone else but myself. I don't know how to be selfish, I don't know how to put myself first. I have been tired lately. Even in sleep, I find no respite. I don't want all that is left of me at the end of the day to be crumbs and dead leaves. Still trying to find light in darkness...

"So plant your own gardens and decorate your own soul,

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers."

Never leaving my happiness in someone else's hands.

ME, MYSELF, I.