Still why

"Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart." - Nicholas Sparks 

12:52am

She didn't know who was gonna stay, and who was gonna leave.

So, she pushed them all away. 

11.06.14

I used to be really, really hard on myself for every single mistake I made. Always regretting what I did wrong, over thinking it, and finding myself miserable at 3AM in the morning. So many mistakes I've made in my whole life which led me to think that I'm downright awful and horrible as a human being. It made me lose a lot of confidence in myself. I didn't like who I was. To this day, I still think back about some of them, especially those that affected me for a really long time... but I don't look back with disgust and regret anymore. Because does it solve anything? No. Would you rather move on and try to lead a happier life?

Yes. 

280514

you've told me a million times
that I've changed, and you don't even know
who I am anymore.

and you keep telling me over and over
that you want the old me back,
but darling, you can't have her
anymore.
not even I
can have her anymore.
you don't even deserve her;
you stabbed her heart
and left her there to bleed,
left her alone
for the dark thoughts
to overwhelm her.

and I'm afraid for that girl,
the little girl whose body I used to play in,
who grew up to hate herself,
the girl who is currently
rotting in the ground...
you lost her, and I lost her too
and now I'm afraid
for who I've become;
a girl wandering in the world
with no clue about who she is
a few years
into the future.

SORRY

" It's that feeling again. Of never being good enough.

I mean sure, I expected such things of you guys. You're always doing well, even without trying, or even when you say you're giving up, you still manage to pull if off and do exceptionally well. And that's a good thing. I like that about you.

But I don't know why is it so hard for me to be happy for you. I want to be happy for you but there's always something stopping me. Jealousy perhaps? As much as I hate it, it is a part of us all and I hate how it makes me feel.

I'm sorry. I know that kinda makes me a bad friend since I can't even be happy for your successes. Again, it's something I have to work on.

I'm sorry. "

Exam-blues.

Exam's coming! Paper's on Thursday till Saturday.

With lots of readings to be completed and notes to go through, I have no idea how am I going to survive this week but somehow, I know I will.  

Just a short update, felt like blogging cause my brain cannot take in anymore information, so no more studying for the night. 

Good luck to all for examinations! 

Nights. 

North - North

I think the word that best describes this phase of my life right now would be: Repulsive

Repulsive to school (this applies to every part of my life but still), repulsive to friends, repulsive to going out, repulsive to food, repulsive to boys, and basically repulsive to everything I like/ should like. 

Maybe it's the flu.

A beautiful mess.

Life has been a mess.

A mess that I am reluctant to put a stop to it. 

And I wonder why.

What are friends for?

I may or may not be talking about a specific person. But, I'm just gonna summarize my rant in general. 

So basically, what are friends for? Best friend, to be precise. The last time I checked, best friends understands each other, care for each other and think for each other. Although there might be different preference at times but they will always come up with a win-win situation. They might be selfish at times, they fight for their rights but whatever it is, they stay true to each other. They don't bad-mouth or backstab each other behind their backs. If they aren't happy with anything, they'll say it straight to your face.

I guess everyone have had this feeling before where your friend/best friend became someone else's best friend. This is a real tragedy. I mean like, seriously you can't do anything about it. They just leave you for someone else. I think I've been through this since primary school until now. There's no ending to this unhappy ending. This cycle keeps on repeating and repeating, non-stop. And you can't do anything. What's happened has happened. All you gotta do is live on as it is, no matter how broken you are.

Sometimes, you just feel sad inside. The empty feeling you get when no one is there for you, or some one is but they're actually just being a busybody. Even if there was one, it's not gonna be the one you used to know anymore. It's really sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew. They judge you, they bad-mouth you, they backstab you, they spread rumors about you, they secretly hate you yet daring to act like a saint in front of you, all these are just F A K E. 

After being disappointed a million times, after your heartache from everything you saw and heard, you'll get used to it. I swear. Maybe in my life, I'll never find a true friend. Even if I did, things will/did turn bad. 

13th April 2014