22.01.14

Sometimes, I wonder if I came too late,

I wonder if I could be there to stop everything from happening.

But I really cannot help if I don't know,

And when I know, I'm sorry when I get too caught up with other stuff and neglect you.

When I'm troubled, you're still the first one I run to.

I want you to know, just know.

You're selfish

Here goes another one of my rants. Lol, it's just sometimes you can't tolerate with certain people anymore after tolerating with them for a long time. I mean it isn't fair, right? You keep pushing people here and there like they're your toy, after using them or you're done with them, you just throw them somewhere like they meant nothing to you in the first place. Try thinking this way, if that toy were you, how would you feel if people just dumped you to a side after using you? In my opinion, you wouldn't feel any bad at all cause this is your thing, you see. You do this all the time that it has become a habit which you think is perfectly normal to be doing. I just never got to understanding what your problem is.

It never occurred to me that you would actually think that I'm a bitch. After all these while tolerating with you and your _________, you still dare to call me a bitch, not that I mind but do you see who's the one wrong in this situation. I can assure you, it's definitely not me. And it's also you who started these crap things I wouldn't even be bothered doing. Since you were the wrong doing person, I didn't regret a single bit leaving. I can't socialize with other people because I must follow what you say. That's just pure stupidity. Which idiot likes people who cage their birds and wouldn't let them free till' they're done with 'it'? You get what I'm saying?

Again, would you like it if people just caged you in and wouldn't let you do anything at all? And of course, you'll say I don't know cause that's just so you. Gosh, why can't you just man up and do something right once and for all? Is it even that hard to control yourself controlling people. They aren't your slaves, they aren't robots, they're all just human, like you. But I guess you never know how they feel till' you go through it yourself. And when someone is freed, you're still keeping watch over them? What's the point, anyway. They left. Suck it up and get on with life. It isn't going to wait for you forever.

170114

We're all hypocrites.

One way or another we've done things we promised we would never do. We've said things we promised we would never let out. We've told advices, even we can't follow. That's where some promises are meant to be broken. Cause one way or another, we're just human. We make mistakes, and do things we shouldn't do. 

A Cold Morning.

i woke up this morning

feeling awfully chilly

with shivers in my bones

and then i realized

how difficult it must've been for you

all alone in that queen-sized bed

cold and unaccompanied 

i felt so sorry

that i couldn't be there

that we were so far away

that if these sheets were states

i'd pull them end over end

to bring you closer to me

and keep you warm

you've such a beautiful being

after one look at you

i knew that i would spend

endless, sleepless nights

trying to write a poem

as beautiful as you

you eyes glowed in the such

and i could drown in them

i'm not too good with describing

anyone's beauty

but for sure

yours is none like the rest

you intrigue me

i want to know your story

you reason behind this sadness

and this mask you put on

each day as you face this cruel world

i want to know all your insecurties

your fears

your past secrets you never told anyone

and all the reasons

that's keeping you

up awake until 4 in the morning

i want to come up close

to get a better look of

that rare but breath-taking smile

and i would have to

stop for a moment to breathe

before you steal it away again

i'm not a romantic

and i can't be sure that this is love

but one thing i am sure of is

i spend all my nights

in bed alone

the long bus rides

the study breaks

to try to think of the best

strings of words i can invent

to describe how much

you might actually mean to me

and honestly

i would rather die

than watch all the things

that make you fall apart

and the other night

we were talking about

how much we hated time zones

and how we never get enough

time to talk about countless things

we never told anyone about

but all i could say was

at least i was glad

i could talk to you a couple of times a day

and the fact that i could

get a chance to hear your voice

and call me by my name

left me missing you

more than ever

and it scares me so much

because i've become

so deeply attached to someone

i have never met

and i am trying to pick up the pieces

of your broken plate

trying to put each and every chip

back together again

and even though the cracks remain

i was hoping that i could be the one

to fill them up

and make you feel

like a person again

and i'm so sorry

if i am not able to do that

and i know you are a

deeply unhappy person

but so am i

and i think our demons

complement each other

and our barely

but beating hearts will

collide into one

and maybe one day

we will be okay again

Sometimes it's heaven sent.

I (secretly) hoped for a longer walk home.

You.

Me.

The howling wind.

And what used to be of the past.

"Don't get mad when someone else starts to appreciate the person you took for granted."

But I am.

And I want everything back.

Here I am again, chasing.

11th December 2013

I mean 

Maybe at one point

I was enough

But

We both knew

That this time would come

I just hope

In the short time we had

It was worth it for you. 

Still Alive but Barely Breathing

2013 has been quite a bad year. I couldn't comprehend how much I hated this year. I feel like I'm suffocating and like I've lost all the life in my soul. I couldn't make myself love. I couldn't interest myself with new people. I've no distractions. My life is so carefree, there's nothing to make me feel motivated. 

Never Good Enough

Life is unfair, isn't it? We can never get that face we want, that figure we want, that intelligence we want, that personality we want, anything that we want that can’t be purchased. That’s when we start comparing ourselves, when we start feeling demoralised and when we start realizing that we will never be good enough. We then start harming and torturing ourselves in various ways to make ourselves feel more accepted, to ease the pain, to fit in. And even though we all are “beautiful in our own ways”, what if we don’t like our “own ways”?

It’s so unfair how some people can seem so flawless – perfect figure, nice smile, beautiful features, photogenic, able to pull off any look, look good in everything, etc, it’s so unfair. Maybe their personalities may not be as attractive as their outer appearance but who cares? Nobody. Yes everyone says “It doesn't matter if you’re beautiful on the outside because if your personality sucks, you’re ugly.” but take a second and reflect on yourself, do you even follow that saying? Nobody will get the chance to see your inner beauty if you’re not beautiful on the outside as well, and that’s a fact.

It’s undeniable that no matter how bitchy, unreasonable and “stupid” a girl may be, if she’s pretty, people still worship her. Even if she made an unforgivable mistake, she’ll still get forgiveness even without seeking for it. Okay maybe the word “unforgivable” exaggerates it a little but what I meant is that there will always be people pitying her, defending her, saying kind words about her even though they themselves know that she doesn’t deserve it, but they still do it. Even though there’ll be haters, the amount of supporters still overpowers it. While when a less attractive girl makes a mistake, it’s either nobody cares or there’ll be a big hoo-ha about it and people will start sending endless amounts of unnecessary hate to her, and/or even death threats. Yes, everybody deserves second chances, I agree, but why give unlimited amount of chances to the more attractive one while not even bothering to listen to the other’s story? I’m not saying this just because that’s the way I feel, but isn’t this what’s happening?

Most girls tend to fall for “bad boys” because they’re generally the better looking ones, right? It’ll take so much more time for an average/below average looking guy with a genuine heart to get that girl of his dreams while the bad boy, he doesn’t even need to do anything because the girl is already desperately trying to seek his attention.

Of course, I’m not saying that this applies to everybody because I know that there are people out there who aren’t like that but I’m just saying.

I know, we should count our blessings instead and remind ourselves of the endless list of things we should be thankful and grateful for and I know that there’s no point wishing I was prettier, slimmer, and everything because I’ll still look like me at the end of the day, unless I change my appearance surgically. But we can never be satisfied, and I believe most of us will never be.

why am I always cold?

I am fat, but I'm always cold.

Why am I always cold?

Save Me from This Sinking Feeling

It has been awhile. 

The feeling's back again. The fear. The fear of losing. The fear of possessing. I honestly thought that I would be so much more stronger than this. But it is bigger than me. I admit defeat entirely. Every now and then, I am still trying to get back on the right track but all I see is me going astray. What happened to my goals, what happened to my dreams... I miss and am in need of some alone time. I have been so busy with school, with friends, with pleasing everyone else but myself. I don't know how to be selfish, I don't know how to put myself first. I have been tired lately. Even in sleep, I find no respite. I don't want all that is left of me at the end of the day to be crumbs and dead leaves. Still trying to find light in darkness...

"So plant your own gardens and decorate your own soul,

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers."

Never leaving my happiness in someone else's hands.

ME, MYSELF, I.