I am Losing Myself.

With every high comes a low. But not ever low comes from a high. And right now, I am at the lowest point I have ever been in my entire life. I feel like I am losing myself. I'm falling behind in life and in what is expected of me. My facade that I try so hard to hold up is slowly fading. I don't know what to say except that I'm scared.

I don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it.

Each time your lips utter a lie, I wish you knew that I always know it.

You know what they say about standing on two boats?

I have on leg on a wooden raft and the other on the edge of a ferry.

And this part of you is what makes me step away from the steadier board.

Away from you.

So please, don't make me step any further away.

You know those people who talk about you behind your back? That's where they belong, behind your back.

it's okay

I know you've lost someone and it hurts. You may have lost them suddenly, unexpectedly. Or perhaps you began losing pieces of them until one day, there was nothing left. You may have known them all your life or you may have barely known them at all. Either way, it's irrelevant. You cannot control the depth of another wound of another soul inflicts on you.

Which is why I'm not here to tell you tomorrow in another day. That the sun will go on shining. Or that there are plenty of fishes in the sea. What I will tell you is this:

It's okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you're feeling is not only completely valid but necessary as well. Because it makes you so much more human. And although I can't promise it will get better any time soon, but I can tell you that it will... eventually. Time heals everything.

For now, all you can do is take your time. Take all the time you need. :)

Things I Hate

1. Liars
2. School

First month down.

In the blink of an eye, January 2014 is now history. And it's fabulous February now! :)

January has treated me well, went on a vacation to Hong Kong to celebrate Chinese New Year. It was all good despite me skipping school for God knows how many days. An awesome start to a new year and to my 15th. 

Haven't had time to transfer the images yet, so I guess that shall be for the next post. It felt really surreal traveling during school days but all in all I was really glad I skipped school! :P

Will try to update as soon as possible. Till then! xx 

For?

“For, after all, you do grow up, you do outgrow your ideals, which turn to dust and ashes, which are shattered into fragments; and if you have no other life, you just have to build one up out of these fragments. And all the time your soul is craving and longing for something else. And in vain does the dreamer rummage about in his old dreams, raking them over as though they were a heap of cinders, looking in these cinders for some spark, however tiny, to fan it into a flame so as to warm his chilled blood by it and revive in it all that he held so dear before, all that touched his heart, that made his blood course through his veins, that drew tears from his eyes, and that so splendidly deceived him!” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I know how to live with the pain. I just haven't figured out what to do with the regret.

22.01.14

Sometimes, I wonder if I came too late,

I wonder if I could be there to stop everything from happening.

But I really cannot help if I don't know,

And when I know, I'm sorry when I get too caught up with other stuff and neglect you.

When I'm troubled, you're still the first one I run to.

I want you to know, just know.

You're selfish

Here goes another one of my rants. Lol, it's just sometimes you can't tolerate with certain people anymore after tolerating with them for a long time. I mean it isn't fair, right? You keep pushing people here and there like they're your toy, after using them or you're done with them, you just throw them somewhere like they meant nothing to you in the first place. Try thinking this way, if that toy were you, how would you feel if people just dumped you to a side after using you? In my opinion, you wouldn't feel any bad at all cause this is your thing, you see. You do this all the time that it has become a habit which you think is perfectly normal to be doing. I just never got to understanding what your problem is.

It never occurred to me that you would actually think that I'm a bitch. After all these while tolerating with you and your _________, you still dare to call me a bitch, not that I mind but do you see who's the one wrong in this situation. I can assure you, it's definitely not me. And it's also you who started these crap things I wouldn't even be bothered doing. Since you were the wrong doing person, I didn't regret a single bit leaving. I can't socialize with other people because I must follow what you say. That's just pure stupidity. Which idiot likes people who cage their birds and wouldn't let them free till' they're done with 'it'? You get what I'm saying?

Again, would you like it if people just caged you in and wouldn't let you do anything at all? And of course, you'll say I don't know cause that's just so you. Gosh, why can't you just man up and do something right once and for all? Is it even that hard to control yourself controlling people. They aren't your slaves, they aren't robots, they're all just human, like you. But I guess you never know how they feel till' you go through it yourself. And when someone is freed, you're still keeping watch over them? What's the point, anyway. They left. Suck it up and get on with life. It isn't going to wait for you forever.