Sleep it off

Whenever I'm having a bad day, I sleep because that seems to solve everything... temporarily. I choose to sleep to put my mind at ease and to forget about life for a moment. I know that when I wake up the problem will be there again. But it feels so good to be asleep when dreams are better than reality. Although sometimes when it's really bad, my problems take over my dreams. ):

Sick of everything

Sick of being replaced; sick of insecurities; sick of falling in love; sick of getting hurt.

Someone please tell me what's the point of holding on when I've already held on for so long, till the extend where I probably know what's going to happen next? It's just history repeating itself all over again, isn't it? Only someone like me would be so stupid to be waiting for someone this long despite getting hurt from the same person countless times. 

I finally let my guard down, but once again, it was a huge mistake. How can anyone be so insensitive towards someone else's feelings? I really don't understand. 

Actually, what hurts the most is that I thought you were different from the rest. Blaming it on myself for being so useless, so weak. 

I've told myself countless times that I've got to stop letting someone's existence ruin my mood, but can I? I think that I'm strong enough, but sometimes it just hurts. 

I just wished that I didn't have to care about anything or everything at all. Maybe it's because I cared too much which landed me into this shitload of trouble. Maybe I just need to isolate myself from everything for a period of time. Too much shit happening lately, I don't even know where to start from.

Am I suppose to keep waiting and hold on? Or am I suppose to just let go? I don't know. 

On a side note, this totally made my day. :') 

Tough World

"They'll hate you if you're pretty, they'll hate you if you're not. They'll hate you for what you lack, and hate you for what you got."

You grow up, you try. Then, you see that it really isn't humanly possible to please everyone.

Live for only you and do whatever makes you happy.

This is How You Lose Her

This is how you lose her.

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger's voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You lose her when you don't notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you're about to ask a question but you think anything you're about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don't even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget.

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

I feel everything.

I feel many things. From the chill in my bones on the cold nights under the quilt alone, that's slightly too cold, to the pain in my parents' eyes each time they look at me, probably thinking about how they wished I was so much better. And sometimes I feel the fear and anger, aching in me and telling me all the things I shouldn't hear, but I choose to listen, and succumb to the obnoxious thoughts. Well, of course, much rather than the cruel reality.

But most of the time, I feel the exhilaration, the adrenaline rush from the blood that gushes out, be it an accident or purely intentional, the immediate effect are all the same. And I've got these thoughts that cut the deepest of me, leaving me craving to swim in a river of red, but as time passed, I knew the meaning of being rational. For example, being in arm's reach of five spare blades and yet, being able to make, probably the right decision to not self-mutilate my skin.

Yet, there are many things I long to feel. And for the most, they are nothing but an imagination. From the confidence in me when I've got a crowd with all eyes on me to knowing how sweet victory might me. I want to feel the comfort in crying in the arms of someone I love, knowing that I'm not alone and nor are the hidden droplets of life that no one else has thought to look for.

I want to feel love, or maybe feel what it is like to be loved instead. But then again, I want to feel comfortable under my skin. I want to feel comfortable in the loneliness that binds me and learn to appreciate it, knowing that happiness is a bonus, love is winning the lottery and forever love, they call it, winning the jackpot.

Loneliness gives me the opportunity to feel more.

in the end

Have you ever just blanked out and started thinking about everything? Your mind starts wandering. Your eyes start to blur. You just stop whatever you're doing and think. You can't hear anyone else but those voices inside your head. They're taking you to the most dangerous places where those most dangerous thoughts float around. And in the end, you're broken down and sobbing. 

This is exactly where I'm meant to be.

“The head of a company survived 9/11 because


His son started kindergarten.

Another fellow was alive because it was


His turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her


Alarm clock didn’t go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike


Because of an auto accident.

One of them


Missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take

Time to change.

One’s


Car wouldn't start.

One couldn't

Get a taxi.

The one that struck me was the man


Who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,


Took the various means to get to work but before.


He got there, he developed a blister on his foot.


He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.


That is why he is alive today..

Now when I am


Stuck in traffic,


Miss an elevator,


Turn back to answer a ringing telephone…


All the little things that annoy me,
I think to myself,

This is exactly where


I’m meant to be


At this very moment”

Word

I will occasionally get anonymous messages that go one of two ways:

• "you are so much prettier than [name of girl]"
• "[name of girl] is so much prettier than you"

and if you’re the kind of person who takes the time to send those kinds of anonymous messages, take a step back and honestly evaluate the rationale behind your thought process. I am not in competition with other girls; other girls are not in competition with me - & especially if you are a girl yourself, please understand that viewing other girls as being innately in competition with each other, especially over “who’s prettier” of all things, is actively damaging to our society as a whole
spread positivity & affirmation & support your fellow women rather than feeding into a culture that encourages us to tear each other down along with everyone else

Source: whitneyleemilam

To, or not to?

At some point, you'll realize that you have done so much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What's truly yours will eventually be yours, and what's not, no matter how hard you try, it'll never be.

Still why

"Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart." - Nicholas Sparks