Random thought ( Not really, it's been quite a permanent one)

Some people fret over feelings like they don't belong anywhere. The problem with me? I feel like I belong everywhere, and I find myself tearing myself apart all the time. And I am obsessed — obsessed with self-conceived obligations and unnecessary commitment. It is always what he want, what she wants, what they want. I've forgotten what I want anymore.

Lessons from 2014, Dedications and Hello 2015!

Well, hello there! As we all know, 2014 went by just in the blink of an eye. At the beginning of the year, as I sat in class, I was thinking about how slowly 2014 was going to go by. Boy, I was definitely wrong! It was one heck of a bittersweet year, profuse in laughter, tears, rekindling old friendships and making new ones. 2014, you've been somewhat great and memorable, but honestly I hope that 2015 would be much better.

2014 has taught me a whole lot of new things.

• Nothing in life goes as planned. Always have a Plan B!

• Shit happens. That's just part of life. Suck it up.

• Shrug it off, plaster a fake smile, chins up and move on.

• If you're having a problem, think of it and see whether it'll matter in 2 weeks time. Will it? Most probably not.

• Crying is just absolutely pointless and won't solve anything but it's alright to break down once in awhile because you've been strong for far too long. 

• Problems are really easy to solve but we insist on making them difficult to solve.

• You can't please everyone. 

• Life is unfair and that's just the way it is. 

• Never ever lower your standards. Instead, make that person rise up to your standards.

• Always bid someone 'Goodbye'. You never know when's the last time you'll be able to see them.

• Be open minded about things.

• Don't wear your heart out on your sleeves. 

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank my family and all my friends (you know who you are) for making 2014 one heck of a compelling and adventurous year! You guys stood by me, supported me, lent me a shoulder to cry on, and listened to my whining of people that constantly incensed and riled me. I couldn't possibly thank you you enough but thank you so so so so so so so so so much for everything. I love you guys! 

So, that's it for today's entry. I would like to thank you, (YEAH, YOU) for reading. Even if this is the first post  you've ever read on my blog or the second or whatever, I would like to thank you for spending time on my blog. Wishing all of you a Happy New Year and I hope you guys have an auspicious and great year ahead of you! It's been fun (not really) 2014, but it's time for you to go. Hello 2015! 

"Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right." - Oprah Winfrey 

Do you know?

Do you know what is it like
to breathe
onto a cold window
just to see if there is
something warm
left inside of you?

It's better to have nobody, than to have
someone who is half there, or doesn't
want to be there.

Life has been rather frustrating for me lately, I don't know if it's because of how tired I am or is it mood swings or that it's generally a bad month for me.

Recently, I see things more colorful than before, true colors of people and things that probably mean a lot to me might just all fade away in time. Is this part of growing up? Having to deal with people constantly leaving, changing or maybe, they're never who I thought they were. Not even a single bit.

Everyone's wearing a mask. I honestly think that it's better to be alone sometimes. I have nothing to lose and I'm not afraid of losing anyone anymore. I'm ready to accept any shit that's gonna come in my way in 2015.

Goodnight.

Untitled

累了 ，tired,

伤心 ，sad,

和寂寞 ，and lonely. 

What the heck?

GRRRRRRRR.. If this is how you wanna play, I'll play along with you. Just don't regret it when it's too late.

Sleep it off

Whenever I'm having a bad day, I sleep because that seems to solve everything... temporarily. I choose to sleep to put my mind at ease and to forget about life for a moment. I know that when I wake up the problem will be there again. But it feels so good to be asleep when dreams are better than reality. Although sometimes when it's really bad, my problems take over my dreams. ):

Sick of everything

Sick of being replaced; sick of insecurities; sick of falling in love; sick of getting hurt.

Someone please tell me what's the point of holding on when I've already held on for so long, till the extend where I probably know what's going to happen next? It's just history repeating itself all over again, isn't it? Only someone like me would be so stupid to be waiting for someone this long despite getting hurt from the same person countless times. 

I finally let my guard down, but once again, it was a huge mistake. How can anyone be so insensitive towards someone else's feelings? I really don't understand. 

Actually, what hurts the most is that I thought you were different from the rest. Blaming it on myself for being so useless, so weak. 

I've told myself countless times that I've got to stop letting someone's existence ruin my mood, but can I? I think that I'm strong enough, but sometimes it just hurts. 

I just wished that I didn't have to care about anything or everything at all. Maybe it's because I cared too much which landed me into this shitload of trouble. Maybe I just need to isolate myself from everything for a period of time. Too much shit happening lately, I don't even know where to start from.

Am I suppose to keep waiting and hold on? Or am I suppose to just let go? I don't know. 

On a side note, this totally made my day. :') 

Tough World

"They'll hate you if you're pretty, they'll hate you if you're not. They'll hate you for what you lack, and hate you for what you got."

You grow up, you try. Then, you see that it really isn't humanly possible to please everyone.

Live for only you and do whatever makes you happy.

This is How You Lose Her

This is how you lose her.

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger's voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You lose her when you don't notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you're about to ask a question but you think anything you're about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don't even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget.

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

I feel everything.

I feel many things. From the chill in my bones on the cold nights under the quilt alone, that's slightly too cold, to the pain in my parents' eyes each time they look at me, probably thinking about how they wished I was so much better. And sometimes I feel the fear and anger, aching in me and telling me all the things I shouldn't hear, but I choose to listen, and succumb to the obnoxious thoughts. Well, of course, much rather than the cruel reality.

But most of the time, I feel the exhilaration, the adrenaline rush from the blood that gushes out, be it an accident or purely intentional, the immediate effect are all the same. And I've got these thoughts that cut the deepest of me, leaving me craving to swim in a river of red, but as time passed, I knew the meaning of being rational. For example, being in arm's reach of five spare blades and yet, being able to make, probably the right decision to not self-mutilate my skin.

Yet, there are many things I long to feel. And for the most, they are nothing but an imagination. From the confidence in me when I've got a crowd with all eyes on me to knowing how sweet victory might me. I want to feel the comfort in crying in the arms of someone I love, knowing that I'm not alone and nor are the hidden droplets of life that no one else has thought to look for.

I want to feel love, or maybe feel what it is like to be loved instead. But then again, I want to feel comfortable under my skin. I want to feel comfortable in the loneliness that binds me and learn to appreciate it, knowing that happiness is a bonus, love is winning the lottery and forever love, they call it, winning the jackpot.

Loneliness gives me the opportunity to feel more.